Sometimes new mothers are surprised when topics that they had long thought sorted through, or ones they hadn’t considered in a long time pop back up soon after their child is born. These issues may be related to taking care of their baby’s basic needs such as feeding or bedtime routines, or more nuanced issues related to discipline. If term discipline feels severe click {here} for further definition of the term.
Putting a child to bed, (at times a true challenge!) may recall memories of when your mother lost her cool. Responding to your child’s interest in the human body may recall ways in which your mother shamed or even welcomed your same curiosity as a child. I felt my mother’s presence in my body before I even had my own babies. That sounds weird doesn’t it?! Let me explain.
Here’s the story; I was interacting with a friend’s three year old. We were playing and I ran into the room with my arms raised above my head laughing, when it felt as if something sort of “dropped in” my body. I felt a soft thud in my torso, my chest felt tight, my eyes began to feel warm. Suddenly, I had tears in my eyes. I was really surprised by it and was not at all sure about what it was. There was a lot of activity in the room and I was able to shake it off and bring myself back into my interaction with the child in front of me. It was later when talking to my own therapist that I realized that something about the way I was moving reminded me of the way my own mom used to play with me. My own mother had passed away seven years prior. In processing, I realized these were tears of both joy and grief. That I was grateful for what she had offered me and sad that she couldn’t be there to talk about it.
I have had similar experiences throughout my season of motherhood to two children. As my children age I am sure that I will continue to. I know that once the teenage years roll around I will likely have to contend with more of the adolescent parts of me that grew up with a single mother without a map.
I talk with clients about this all the time! Not the personal stuff though. And if you are a current client or considering becoming one, I guess you’ve learned a few personal things about me just now! But what I do talk with clients about and help them process is what it is like when these moments arise. How do we meet them? How do we weather them? How do we make meaning of them?
Here are two things that can be helpful when sorting through postpartum life. Two things that come up when thinking about re-parenting ourselves when parenting our children.
- Acknowledge
Is there a sensation in your body that you can draw your attention to? Is there heat in your chest? Tensing of your arms or shoulders? A clenching and jutting out of the jaw? Simply acknowledging these sensations can offer relief and a sense of control. If going cerebral is easier to access; are your thoughts racing? Do they feel cloudy? Is there an emotion present that you can name? - Reframe it
This is an opportunity to create a different scenario for yourself. One of the ways we work through trauma is to share our story. One of the ways children work through trauma is through play or art. They may use play as a method of reworking the story over and over again with different endings so as to gain a greater sense of comprehension and incorportation. The act of re-parenting can be just that. Reworking of an old story. Replaying similar elements in a different order, with different responses to gain a better understanding and sense of mastery. In postpartum life there will be many opportunities to f*ck up and replay the same old scripts you have inhered and turn them around. Spun another way, parenthood offers so many chances to begin again. To try new things to gain connection and cooperation.
When we parent we also re-parent ourselves. We discover gifts that were given to us that we want to pass on. We sort through values and experiences that while we would rather let them stop with us, we can see that they have taught us something.
- Re-parenting and Postpartum Mothers - July 3, 2023
- Parental Postpartum Depression: How New Parents Can Cope with It - September 11, 2022
- The Deep Connection Between Sleep and Anxiety, Explained - September 4, 2022
